The Art of Dying; The last hoorah

I received a text after my appointment just as I had just gotten home to make a sand-which and relax. “She is not doing well, everyone is gathered, I think this is the end” my friend said. I contemplated whether or not I should eat first since I hadn’t all day, but came to the quick conclusion that if in the time it took me to make and eat lunch my old patient who had very quickly become a great light in my life had passed during that time I would regret it so very much. I put all my sand-which makings in the fridge and left the house as quickly as possible. There was a knot in my throat and this time it wasn’t my enlarged tonsil that I had found out that very day would need to be removed within the next few weeks. This knot was a forced attempt to fight back tears. I had to be strong, emotional was not something I could be during this time. 

I walked in the room and 5 people were gathered as they watch their loved one struggle to breath in and out. Here and there one or all of us would say “I love you Gina” and she would respond “awe, I love you all too”. I grabbed hold of her warm hand and did what I do with any patient that is rounding 3^rd base to the end of their life, checking her pulse and feeling her heartbeat which were both strong. I stroked one hand while holding the other. Here and there I could feel her give me a good squeeze as she would tell me “I love you baby” in which I would respond “I love you too, you will never be forgotten. It’s okay to go, you don’t need to fight so hard. God has you and He is ready to make you an angel. I will be okay, but I know that because I hold you in my heart you will always be with me.” Another woman stroked her arm and sang to her while tears ran down her face. I did my best to comfort all those around me, I was in a place in which I knew of the afterlife journey and how much greater it would be than the one Gina was in now of suffering which brought me a peace that these friends of hers were not quite capable of understanding in this moment. We were all in different places in our grieving, no one is right and no one is wrong. Every once in a while, I would lean in to give her a kiss on her cheek and hear her say “oh I love you baby, you are so good to me.” I will never ever forget those words.

Just when we thought she was done she opened her eyes and a part of me thought it was some miracle, but the aide in me knew this was just the last hoorah. She somehow got a surge of energy, enough to tell me “No! I don’t want the bed pan, I want to go to the bathroom”. So, with oxygen in toe and an aide and I on either side we did just as she wished. She went to the restroom while holding onto me. She was in so much pain and I was more willing to allow her to hold onto me while she went to the restroom and ignore the smell, than to leave her there on the toilet. I feel so blessed to have been able to take care of her one last time. I enjoy every part of my job although on this day it was just out of pure love for a woman I have come to care so deeply for. I took her back to bed and she was up talking to her friends so I figured that I should go with the plan to come back in the morning while also being aware that this miraculous turn of events could easily have been the last of her energy. I told her I loved her, and heard it back and to me that is the greatest gift and memory I could be left with.

At 10:45 God made her angel. That same night she went from yelling at the nurse, insisting on using the bathroom and being super talkative to leaving this world to move on to another. One of peace, comfort, love, pain free and the ability to do all that she couldn’t since she had been diagnosed with cancer. I remember telling her earlier as she lay frail in the bed “I cannot go with you, it’s not my time, but I pray that when I close my eyes, I will see you in my dreams.” It’s only been a couple of days. I have had my meltdowns and been there for my boyfriend as he has had his. I’m doing my best to be patient and wait for her to join me in my subconscious. She will do it in her own time, just as she had done everything else in her life.  The very last thing I did for her was a dance to a Cover of Time after Time by Javier Colone. I felt it best described our relationship as the lyrics say “if your lost and you look then you will find me, time after time, if you fall I will catch you I’ll be waiting, Time after time.” Because as a care giver and her favorite aide she was always looking for me and the fact she was unsteady on her feet I was always there to catch her and now that she is in heaven I can’t help but expect she would do the same for me. “Suitcase of memories almost left behind, time after time.” May you rest in peace Gina and always remember how much of an impact you have made on so many people’s lives including mine. I will be waiting for your visit. May you rest peacefully in the arms of the angels as you have now gained your wings, they shall teach you how to fly. Love always,

Kim Edwards

https://youtu.be/BQ997v5lhoY