"Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place" -Kurt Vonnegut. I heard this quote at my brother’s concert when he was being recognized by his high school band teachers as one of her few seniors headed for graduation. Although I may have nodded off during some of the performances, I held tightly to those words. I had never heard this quote before and quickly came to the realization that I had sadly been spending my life attempting to stay unchanged by surroundings and circumstances that weren’t conducive to my personal growth and health. I came into this world fragile, soft, energetic, kind, sweet, thoughtful, and always wanting the best for anyone I encountered. It’s amazing that I stayed this way considering the things I went through as a child. Some of the struggles consisted of being the daughter of parents with addiction issues, abandonment and consistent changes in my environment as a result of their addiction issues, and last but not least sexual abuse at the tender age of six. Someone whom had never met me or even known me for years would not have been able to tell by my demeanor all that I had endured. Well until my second year of high school when that soft young child got tired of being walked all over and her world seemed to be falling apart beneath her.
After quitting gymnastics, I struggled to find a new identity along with new friends in what I thought was a big school and I quickly slipped into a deep depression. People were mean, and in the beginning, I took it personally and kept my head down. The only thing I hated at the point was myself. But after a couple years of self- harming and trying my best to at least show kindness towards those whom had shown kindness to me, I finally got angry, but this time at the entire world and my personality made a complete 180. I was no longer soft. In attempt to protect myself I became hard and although hate was something I had already learned, I redirected it at anyone in my path. I was anything but sweet. I had become a bully by words of mouth. I was never aggressive, but I shot darts with my eyes and cut with my tongue.
Martin Seligman a Pioneer of positive psychology and human happiness came up with the concept or more so a model known as the 3 p's of depressive perspective. The 3 P’s are personal, pervasive and permanent. Before I get into explaining what exactly this means I shall first give you some background of how I was introduced to this model, as well as show it ties in well with Kurt Vonnegut’s quote.
During my weekly weight check with what I would say is the most amazing Nurse Practitioner, I mentioned to her some of the struggles I was having at work. I had just quit my job 2 days prior to my doctor visit. I had been working at a nursing home in which I was sexually harassed, disrespected, and ignored. I also witnessed abuse of residents whom were helpless and relying on the staff and I to work together as a team help them live as comfortably as possible during their last few years. I stated to her that I am so kind to people and that being ignored and disrespected by co-workers made me feel so alone. After listening she offered me some educational wisdom she felt would be helpful to me and my recovery and perhaps out of my deep depression. She told me right from the start that I was taking things personally and that what she had learned was that by me making those statements I was increasing my depression. This was her lead in to a very important and beneficial conversation. My Nurse Practitioner to me comes off very relatable which allows me to be vulnerable, honest and willing to really open my mind to her words. Last week when teaching me the 3 p's, the pessimistic side of me questioned whether or not this was just something she learned in school while working towards becoming a psychiatric nurse practitioner or if she could actually empathize. More often than not professionals are not honest about their struggles due to their desire to keep healthy boundaries with their patients. I believe though, by not being more personal this only reinforces the stigma around mental illness as well as creates an uncomfortable divide between professional and patient as if they are on a pedestal in which they are free of all mental illness. It’s nice to know sometimes we have something in common, even if it is painful. But not my nurse, she openly expressed that she too struggles with depression and that there are times when she herself curls up in a ball. Before continuing with the 3 P’s she shared with me another one of her techniques which is to put a time limit on the fetal position. With the help of medication and education such as the 3Ps, her depression is "well managed". That gives me some hope. So now that I have given you some background let me introduce you to this model that may or may not have a positive effect on your life and perhaps change it for the better so that you can continue to remain soft, unhardened, loving and sweet. By changing your perspective, you can remain seeing the world as beautiful place despite the negativity that often surrounds us.
"The realist sees reality as concrete. The optimist sees reality as clay."-Robert Brault. Just as Seligman has stated in his scholarly journal "Learned Helplessness; Theory and Evidence" there is also such thing as "learned optimism" another book Seligman has authored which is where you may find this model. Starting with the first P which stands for Personal. People who suffer from depression tend to feel that they are alone causing their minds to make statements such as "no one understands me" or in my case "she ignored me, she must not like me and no one else really does either. There must be something wrong with me. I cannot make friends." First of all, that is what is considered all or nothing thinking which is part of the Dialectical behavioral therapy model which I will not get into, maybe another day. The point of the 3P’s model is to reframe ones thinking thus allowing them to not fall into a bigger rut which then causes the depression to spiral. To reframe such a personal statement one could conclude "that person is ignoring me, perhaps she is having a bad day, not everyone ignores me". Just by reframing you have taken back power that your depression once had as well as the person or situation that pissed you off to begin with.
The second P stands for pervasive. An example is again the all or nothing thinking such as what I was saying last week at my appointment "Everyone is so mean; I just don’t care anymore." And to myself I kept repeating "Every time I try and do the right thing it doesn’t work out; I should just give up. I am fresh out of fucks!" This did indeed swallow me up into an even greater depression. It’s quite amazing how much power words can have on the brain. I believe that is why we were taught as children "If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all" and it is so true! To reframe this statement, it would have been in my best interest to say something more along the lines of "Some people are mean, but not everyone." And to take that one step further somewhat like a gratitude list, I could have listed in my mind just a few people that are kind. Instead of giving up I should have reminded myself that yea a lot of things seem to be hard right now, but there are many things I have to look forward to and although this job didn’t work out the world is filled with endless opportunities to the people whom are willing to go get them.
Last, but not least the third P standing for permanent. Do not make negative events permanent. Statements like "People are always mean to me; they always leave me out". By allowing this thought to occur and going with it, I have automatically shut out other chances or opportunities. I have given my depression the power to believe that things cannot or will not change when that is certainly not the case. Perhaps it was only one person that was mean, and I do indeed get invited to join in certain activities. I must continue to remind myself that not all situations are permanent. Explain negative events as temporary, situational and specific. Similar to when your boyfriend dumps you your friend’s say’s there are plenty of fish in the sea. Don’t make one event permanent. You close your heart off to people who could actually be really good for you.http://sourcesofinsight.com/permanent-personal-and-pervasive/
By learning 3Ps of depressive perspective you are opening your mind up to new opportunities, decreasing your depression, taking back power and giving yourself the opportunity to live out Kurt Vonnegut’s quote. As I mentioned earlier, helplessness is learned, but optimism is too. It may take longer to get out of the rut you are in but by reframing your thoughts, nothing will remain permanent. Even your depression. I leave you with one last quote when you are thinking that everything sucks and you feel yourself hardening, remember to "use your signature strengths and virtues in the service of something much larger than you are" -Martin Seligman. By doing this you are now also providing yourself with purpose and by loving and caring for things that have meaning to you whatever that is, you are also loving yourself.
©Kimberly Edwards
10/16/16
