Will you still love me? Strangers Sheets pt.2

I want to let you love me

And treat me as I deserve

But the voices in my head say I’m worthless

I’m surprised you haven’t heard

They say don’t go near her, she’s damaged goods

A price tag that’s gone down

Many men have left their stain

She’s just another rock you found

You treat me like a queen

But I feel this awful guilt

I want to cut myself just to make you see

That I’m just spoiled milk

I love you more than words can say

I want to give you all that I have to bid

But it hurts to have you love me back

Sometimes I feel I should have hid

I know you see a pretty face

A heart so golden, that it blinds

But I’m afraid that one day you’ll realize

The body you love is theirs, instead of mine

You’re making love to all the strangers

The rapist in my past

Things I had no control over, but ruined me

And I cannot take them back

But if you are willing to help me see something

Lost in the midst of stranger’s sheets

I’m willing to invest the same amount

To one day learn to love me.

©Kim Edwards

October, 15, 2017

As a new relationship has blossomed so unexpectedly I find that due to a past filled with trauma, unsaid words relayed through absent consent that I am un-worthy, my self -image has been tarnished. Like anyone I want to love and be loved.  I want a partnership, friendship, a marriage that is genuine and one day a family. But before I even get to the bigger and better things I must learn to love myself which I find to be my biggest battle. A comprehensive test of loyalty, forgiveness, self-care, honesty and the understanding that setting boundaries is more than acceptable is crucial to my progression as a continuously growing adult.

Although I am well aware of what needs to happen and the intuitiveness that I possess I worry I may never get there. I’m finally dating a man whom is not a fixer upper, he is legit, mature, hardworking, loving, smart, thoughtful, dedicated and driven to always do better whether in life or in our growing relationship. Often, I find myself feeling blessed while on the other hand wishing it wasn’t so because the people in my past have taught me that love is something you earn and hardly unconditional. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop and questioning why he hasn’t hurt me? Why is he forgiving? With tears in my eyes and my eating disorder sneaking up on me to remind me “it’s too good to be true and love’s not for you.” I fight back those tears and do things purposely to sabotage what very well may be my future and a beautiful one at that. A week ago I did a dance to a song that really touched me titled “Will you still love me” and I dedicated it to the sweetest man I have ever met. Mind you the honey moon phase ain’t over, but there are no signs that it will end. I pray with everything in me that as I learn to find patience within myself, he will too. 

https://youtu.be/Zcjf6JBawOQ