As I sit here
holding onto her smooth hand as she groans, gasping for each breath that I am
so grateful to have come so easily, I fight back tears and remind myself as
some may say she is dying, her and I have the same undying faith that this is
not the end, but a new beginning, a new path, a journey she is creating for
herself that I only pray to one day join her on when it comes to be my time.
One without pain, suffering, a destiny in which only peace, love and kindness
are found. Not because of desire but simply because we are children of a God
who wants to continue loving us unconditionally. She is a fighter and I pray
that she doesn’t fight destiny in fear of giving up, but unlike any other
hospice patient I struggle to give her permission to collect her wings and fly.
I love her, she is a beautiful woman inside and out, an observation I have come
to make in only a few short months of knowing her. When she wasn’t so ill I
dealt with a sassy woman whom was unfiltered like I, one whom most staff couldn’t
get to follow the rules for she did not go the direction of the wind but
created her own somewhat like Pochohauntas. A strong- willed woman with the
best intentions which were often misinterpreted. She was filled with so much
anxiety that people around her were unable to comprehend that she had and was
trying to offer something. I assume it would be wisdom, pain, and what it was
like to be in her shoes. I tucked her into bed for many months and still do.
And despite that damn word that did not keep me from getting too close and crossing
boundaries I long ago told her that I loved her. I visit her often just to
ensure she is not alone and that she knows she is cared for. I have to pee so
bad, but today is not one of her better days so I refuse to get up in fear that
I may miss out on the opportunity of watching her receive her wings. I feel it
and see it. The woman I have come to care so deeply for is taking shallow
breaths that could lead to somewhere I cannot yet follow, while also, it could
be as I said before just a bad day. But one day whether it is today or tomorrow
or sometime in the next couple weeks I will have to accept, process and then
celebrate the amazing truth that another angel has been born.
I may not be able to take away the pain
But I'll sing you a song to comfort
One of the love and joy you bring
To my heart when I need it or just want it
I will count your breaths both in and out
And be thankful they still exist
And that is reason one, of many
That make me feel so blessed
I may shed a tear of pain
Although I always promised I'd be strong
But I'm learning that part of strength
Is knowing when tears belong
They belong in my eyes, my head on your chest
As long as you are breathing
Knowing I love you until the day
You tell me you are leaving
June,15,2017
Always enjoy providing peace and reminding those who are
close to leaving us that they are loved and that with each breath they are
touching my heart in many ways 💞
©Kimberly Edwards
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