Here I am, another year
down. In one week, I will be 27 years old, an age I and many others didn’t
think I would live to see. Yet, I head into this next week with anxiety,
disappointment, hopelessness and regrets. At a younger age in which I was naive
to know about the curve balls that the world will throw at a person I am
considering that perhaps I have not given myself enough credit for each ball
that I did not catch, but also that did not knock me out of the game. Yes, I
have struck out plenty of times, sometimes I got walked, but here I am making a
home run to 27. There are many in this world who were not blessed to see this
age for whatever the reason, but the fact that I have continued to make the
choice to stay in the game and better my life skills is something I guess I
should be proud of.
Now is the part where I
name off some of the struggles and pain that I suffered this year, but not with
complaint because each heartache taught me something including the
understanding that pain is okay and talking about it is important. This year I
lost a best friend to cocaine. I was sexually assaulted by someone I trusted
and had known for years. I relapsed for the umpteenth time in my eating
disorder and because of it I became financially unstable and relying on those
around me to help out. As we say in the hood losing a friend had me butt hurt.
I didn’t handle it well, but it has prepared me for what loss and grief feel
like. I have learned to cherish each moment as the next is never promised. I
know that is such a cliché, but until you lose something you never expected you
would, that cliché is nothing but a quote. I now say I love you every time I
walk away, I make the most out of each encounter, I love big and I forgive
quickly. Important, I shall reiterate I forgive quickly. Holding grudges is
what made the loss of my best friend hurt the most. I now know I can be hurt
and yet still forgive. People come and go and I have no control over that, but
what I do have control over is how I interact with them when they are in my
presence. Life is precious, it’s short, its hard as fuck, but when you do the
work those small things we take for granted become an oxymoron in the sense
they are appreciated like giant shrimp. I have clean underwear today (seems
small right?) but I’m hella happy about it. *Emoji smiley face with wavy hands.
Now one could truly argue that nothing good comes out of being assaulted, but I
shall challenge that. Mind you I am still struggling with the aftermath of that
event, but I have become more assertive and learned how to better protect
myself. That doesn’t necessarily mean it won’t happen again, but I have some
tools now to prevent it including a sign my friend stole off a pole that reads
“no dogs allowed” and that right there my friends is an example of good
communication, a deterrent, and assertiveness in big bold letters! #goKim
My eating disorder is
something I am still holding onto, but with each relapse and each trip to
treatment I learn something new, work on another piece of life’s hurt that
keeps me stuck and add more skills to my toolbox. Life is always a work in
progress and as Bill Withers sang it best “We all need somebody to lean on” and
that is okay. If we were meant to do everything on our own the world wouldn’t
be a human race. We would all be introverts and there would be no such thing as
financial assistance or advocacy centers. Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re
incapable of being self -sufficient, it means you are humble enough to realize
not every battle is meant to fight alone, hence the reason we have such a thing
as an Army.
Life is meant to live
moment by moment. It’s not a race, it’s not a timeline because you don’t know
when it will end. You can still plan for the future, but live for the moment.
Everybody’s pace is different. I just so happen to be in the slow lane with all
the Asians and grandma’s. Well actually not really because I don’t drive so I’m
still on the sidewalk, but what I’m trying to get across is that I wasn’t meant
to be where I thought I would be by this age. I’m still learning how to cook,
how to separate laundry, tip the waitress and on certain days I’m still
learning how to friggin walk. Yea, tripping happens still, but at least I never
wear white…I learned that last birthday.
Some great things
happened this year. My cat is still alive and I think he still likes me and if
he doesn’t he sure the hell does a good job pretending #actoroftheyear. I also
made it into the final round of Chicken Soup for the Soul with a poem I wrote
this summer. I’m sure there is some more, but the biggest accomplishment was
being hired at Hospice. I have a grown -up job now and I get to wear scrubs that
make me look important like I save lives or something when really, I just watch
people pass away and pray for them. Anyway, it’s awesome. I enjoy each moment
with my patients and love them all dearly. I am honored to be a part of their
lives even if only for a few short weeks and sometimes days. It also is a
reminder of how short life is. I appreciate them and am blessed to have such a
good job with wonderful co-workers whom care just as much as I. I have a lot of
goals this year, but I try not to focus on making too big a leap until I get
myself healthy. One of those goals and probably the biggest is to finally meet
Ellen. How nice it would be to do that before my memory starts to fade and my
breast droop. I’m not quite sure what my breast have to do with meeting Ellen,
but somehow, it’s important. Oh yea now I remember, if I meet her and I’m on TV
in front of millions of people I have to look good and having perky breast is
part of that criteria along with this damn fly away hair that just won’t lay
down no matter how much vegetable oil I slather on it. Sigh… Here’s to age 27
and making the most out of each up and down I may encounter without throwing
off my equilibrium.
©Kimberly Edwards
