“I was sitting,
there sellin, turnips on a flatbed truck Crunchin on a pork rind when she
pulled up she had to be thinkin this is where rednecks come from” I was singing
to Billy Currington’s “Good Directions” when my friend looked at me and asked
“what do you call a black girl that sings country music?” I looked at her with
a keen seriousness on my face and without hesitation replied “an identity
crisis”. The two of us chuckled so hard we just bout fell out our seats. It was
a funny joke at the time and even to this day I look back at that moment and
laugh, but I also take my reply much more seriously for reasons I shall tell
you now. Well, all of us shall explain because it’s not just my story but every
identity that lives within me has a mind of her own.
Back in October a
girl, the age of 27 was raped by a man she knew quite well. And while she had
been in this predicament a few times in the past she lay still and frail as
tear drops fell from her eyes making the Christmas lights in her room blurry.
For once though she did not remain that way and I’m sure you are wondering why?
Well, because of me. My name is Jordan, I am an extension of Kim, an alternate
personality. One of 4, but the most outspoken, loud, obnoxious, courageous,
funniest of them all or at least I would like to think so. I am also more
assertive and at times aggressive and seeking vengeance on those who mess with
any of the other personalities I live with. I pretty much took over Kim’s mind
and body during that night. I wanted her to have a chance to win this fight and
even if she lost, which she did, she is still able to reminisce on the fact
that she did indeed (because of me) put up a hell of a fight. What happened
that night that she was raped was what is known as a split in personalities.
But as the days went by and Kim became less capable of discussing the event, I,
Jordan, had to find a way to be more present in her life. Sometimes people tell
me I am mean to Kim and I guess if I was to be honest I’d say well the things I
say aren’t always the kindest, but if she had let me do my job that night and
stopped freezing then maybe she would not have been raped. I blame her yes, for
the parts she played as they are crucial to the story. She started what
happened that night and I had to finish it. I try my best not to allow Kim to
freeze up again as she remains traumatized to this day, but sometimes the only
way to make her feel something other than the psychosomatic aching in her
vaginal area is to simply cut her. Although there have been times when she was
so far gone and my energy level had come to a screeching halt that I just bout
had enough and told her to jump off the roof or take all her pills, but there
was this little voice one day that came out of no- where and said “Jordon leave
her alone, let’s compromise. Kim may sit on the roof, but she will not jump.”
Well then, guess I am not the only one here besides Kim. She introduced herself
to me as Kaylie. She, Kim and I are all the same age. I do my best to protect
Kim, but don’t always succeed. Kaylie on the other hand is what they refer to
in Psychology class as the “ego” she is level headed. She both feels emotions,
but not too deeply and can also hold a conversation. She is not aggressive or
assertive, she basically is just a mediator and more likely than not will be
the one that helps all of us work our way through the events that occurred on
that cold night in October in a room that once was Kim’s safe place.
According to the
DSM, disasociative identity disorder once known as multiple personality disorder
has certain criteria that one must meet. Now at the beginning amnesia (one of
the criteria) was not something that fit what was happening in Kim’s life or
mine or Kaylie’s or even the toddler Kim whom I have not mentioned until just
now. She is about 5 years old. Her affect is one of a 3-year-old sometimes as
she drinks from a sippy cup and sucks on a pacifier, but mainly she just likes
to be held. Kim did not receive much affection as a child growing up and this
split in personality has almost been a blessing in disguise, allowing her the
chance to get what she needs from people who truly understand this disorder.
Now back to the amnesia, we didn’t have that at first, but now as days go by I
find I forget what I did all day or where certain things are in my house. I
don’t always remember the actions I have taken against myself or things I have
said to others.
Well now that I
have told you about my many different personalities and I promise I couldn’t
make this up as there is a remarkable difference between each identity. The
hard part though is telling those I love of this disorder without them either
thinking I am malingering or can simply just be “normal” whatever the fuck that
means! There are a few people that I trust who know, but for the greater part
of my social interactions with people I choose not to tell them, but then
again, they are in for a big surprise if my identities switch in midst of
conversation. Now that would be a show to watch!! Oh, wait they did that
already. Gosh damn it! Anyway, I am so in the mood for some trap rap radio, too
bad I’m working. In my head, I’m singing “first let me hop out the motha
fucking porsh” hahahahaha.
https://youtu.be/aP4WD5iGtJQ
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