Dissociative Identity Disorder once known as Multiple
personality disorder is commonly brought on by traumatic events. Quite honestly
it can be confused as just major mood swings, but the difference between the
two is very apparent. I can’t pin point when mine began, but I do have memories
of when I noticed that there was something not right about my mood swings as
they switched so dramatically, fast and sometimes caused a blackout in which I
would lose time. I remember the first time I realized my name wasn’t Kim. It
was like I had become a child in a woman’s body until someone upset me which
then lead to a sudden anger which was quite demonic like. I would stare at
someone and tell them to shut up and fuck off, I would break things and punch
walls. I would hurt myself not fully wanting to and then once I had settled
down and realized what I was doing I resorted back to this young child around
the age of four holding tight to my teddy bear and sucking on my pacifier. I
wouldn’t accept the responsibility of hurting myself. I was convinced that
Jordon did it. Eventually people whom witnessed these changes and learned that
I was officially diagnosed could easily tell whom they were talking to. At that
point I had 3 personalities. Little Kim who is 4 years old, Kim whom doesn’t
talk much as she lost her voice when she was raped two years ago and then
Jordon, the only person who ever defended me during that trauma. My voice, my
affect and how I interact with those around me changes and all out of trying to
protect a child whom was neglected and abused.
Thankfully I encountered a personality that was grounded,
one that was able to carry out normal everyday activities, function at the age
of 28, be somewhat fearless and basically be the person Kim was before her
trauma occurred. Her name is Kayleigh. As I have been working through trauma
more recently Kayleigh has disappeared to some extent as little Kim has taken
on a stronger role, talking to protect her from events such as neglect,
physical abuse and sexual assault which of course upset her. little Kim is what
one could refer to as an out, her protective instinct to just resort back to
when she had not yet been touched illegally and by unwanted predators keeps her
safe when in the arms of people who can and are willing to give her the love,
affection and attention she deserves without expecting anything in return.
Although having this disorder is frustrating and scary I
feel somewhat blessed as some people have hundreds of personalities. Some can’t
recall things they have done. Although I occasionally black out I also tend to
remember and also know which personality is talking more than most. In the last
couple weeks there have been more personalities coming through and it’s taken me
a while to understand their role, their age and even give them names. But I
have acquired 3 more. Tory, she is 3. This allows her not to talk about
anything sad because she doesn’t comprehend as much as little Kim. It’s amazing
how much a year makes a difference. Little Kim is very smart. Then there is
Morgan, she also is new and around the age of 7 or 8. She witnessed a lot of
instability in her home through the emotional, mental and sometimes physical
abuse that occurred between her parents. She struggled to make friends. Her dad
was an addict who was very angry leaving her scared often. Now while Jordon
used to be the most seductive of us all, Pixie is the one whom often offers up
her body, but only when she is drunk. Alcohol definitely plays a role into
which personality comes through. While Jordon can be fun, and the life of the
party she will also be the first to curse you out. Now there is also a male
personality, Peter. He often comes out when he feels extremely threatened. As
sometimes being a female is not strong enough to get the point across. He
shatters glass with knives and threatens to hurt others with them although he
has never and I doubt he will ever actually hurt anyone.
It seems like hell to deal with and often it is, but part of
us have found some solace in knowing that these personalities keep me well
rounded, grounded and more capable of protecting a small child, a kid, a teen,
and an adult all at the same time. Sometimes the means in which protection is necessarily
come out in rages which cause more harm than good it’s somewhat like having a
whole family there to protect me. I will now answer a question that I am sure
anyone who knows me wonders. Do we all have an eating disorder? Well yes and
no. Although Jordon sticks up for me and protects me now she does indeed blame
me often for all sexual trauma. She uses my eating disorder to both get back at
me while also helping me become smaller, somewhat invisible and less attractive
to the male eye. So, it’s a double edge sword. Although little Kim and Tory
could eat mac and cheese and chicken tenders all day, they both know the
emotional torture that would bring to them later as Jordon being the adult she
is, has way more control than most of my alters. I would be lying if I said I
didn’t ever consider suicide. I mean who wants to deal with 8 people everyday
having no control which one will show up at any given time. I l appreciate all
Jordon does to protect me, but her lack of control, lashing out at others,
breaking expensive things and sometimes even hurting me physically is
exhausting. But I have a good team whom understands and do their best to be
here for all of us. I have to remember Jordon and Kayleigh both so opposite but
both strong have a message and if I were to end the life of Jordon I also
understand the permanence that would have on all the rest of us. You can’t hurt
one without hurting us all anymore than making one happy without causing a
cheerfulness in the hearts of each one. Yea sounds weird because we do get one
heart, but it’s somewhat like chambers. Some have four, I seem to have 8. I
have one brain, but also think like 8 different people. And on the Brightside
if one of them loves you, it’s likely they all do as well.
https://youtu.be/EcBsUFHCHZI
https://youtu.be/EcBsUFHCHZI
