Personalities, meet them all; Living with Dissasociative Identity Disorder

Dissociative Identity Disorder once known as Multiple personality disorder is commonly brought on by traumatic events. Quite honestly it can be confused as just major mood swings, but the difference between the two is very apparent. I can’t pin point when mine began, but I do have memories of when I noticed that there was something not right about my mood swings as they switched so dramatically, fast and sometimes caused a blackout in which I would lose time. I remember the first time I realized my name wasn’t Kim. It was like I had become a child in a woman’s body until someone upset me which then lead to a sudden anger which was quite demonic like. I would stare at someone and tell them to shut up and fuck off, I would break things and punch walls. I would hurt myself not fully wanting to and then once I had settled down and realized what I was doing I resorted back to this young child around the age of four holding tight to my teddy bear and sucking on my pacifier. I wouldn’t accept the responsibility of hurting myself. I was convinced that Jordon did it. Eventually people whom witnessed these changes and learned that I was officially diagnosed could easily tell whom they were talking to. At that point I had 3 personalities. Little Kim who is 4 years old, Kim whom doesn’t talk much as she lost her voice when she was raped two years ago and then Jordon, the only person who ever defended me during that trauma. My voice, my affect and how I interact with those around me changes and all out of trying to protect a child whom was neglected and abused.

Thankfully I encountered a personality that was grounded, one that was able to carry out normal everyday activities, function at the age of 28, be somewhat fearless and basically be the person Kim was before her trauma occurred. Her name is Kayleigh. As I have been working through trauma more recently Kayleigh has disappeared to some extent as little Kim has taken on a stronger role, talking to protect her from events such as neglect, physical abuse and sexual assault which of course upset her. little Kim is what one could refer to as an out, her protective instinct to just resort back to when she had not yet been touched illegally and by unwanted predators keeps her safe when in the arms of people who can and are willing to give her the love, affection and attention she deserves without expecting anything in return.

Although having this disorder is frustrating and scary I feel somewhat blessed as some people have hundreds of personalities. Some can’t recall things they have done. Although I occasionally black out I also tend to remember and also know which personality is talking more than most. In the last couple weeks there have been more personalities coming through and it’s taken me a while to understand their role, their age and even give them names. But I have acquired 3 more. Tory, she is 3. This allows her not to talk about anything sad because she doesn’t comprehend as much as little Kim. It’s amazing how much a year makes a difference. Little Kim is very smart. Then there is Morgan, she also is new and around the age of 7 or 8. She witnessed a lot of instability in her home through the emotional, mental and sometimes physical abuse that occurred between her parents. She struggled to make friends. Her dad was an addict who was very angry leaving her scared often. Now while Jordon used to be the most seductive of us all, Pixie is the one whom often offers up her body, but only when she is drunk. Alcohol definitely plays a role into which personality comes through. While Jordon can be fun, and the life of the party she will also be the first to curse you out. Now there is also a male personality, Peter. He often comes out when he feels extremely threatened. As sometimes being a female is not strong enough to get the point across. He shatters glass with knives and threatens to hurt others with them although he has never and I doubt he will ever actually hurt anyone.

It seems like hell to deal with and often it is, but part of us have found some solace in knowing that these personalities keep me well rounded, grounded and more capable of protecting a small child, a kid, a teen, and an adult all at the same time. Sometimes the means in which protection is necessarily come out in rages which cause more harm than good it’s somewhat like having a whole family there to protect me. I will now answer a question that I am sure anyone who knows me wonders. Do we all have an eating disorder? Well yes and no. Although Jordon sticks up for me and protects me now she does indeed blame me often for all sexual trauma. She uses my eating disorder to both get back at me while also helping me become smaller, somewhat invisible and less attractive to the male eye. So, it’s a double edge sword. Although little Kim and Tory could eat mac and cheese and chicken tenders all day, they both know the emotional torture that would bring to them later as Jordon being the adult she is, has way more control than most of my alters. I would be lying if I said I didn’t ever consider suicide. I mean who wants to deal with 8 people everyday having no control which one will show up at any given time. I l appreciate all Jordon does to protect me, but her lack of control, lashing out at others, breaking expensive things and sometimes even hurting me physically is exhausting. But I have a good team whom understands and do their best to be here for all of us. I have to remember Jordon and Kayleigh both so opposite but both strong have a message and if I were to end the life of Jordon I also understand the permanence that would have on all the rest of us. You can’t hurt one without hurting us all anymore than making one happy without causing a cheerfulness in the hearts of each one. Yea sounds weird because we do get one heart, but it’s somewhat like chambers. Some have four, I seem to have 8. I have one brain, but also think like 8 different people. And on the Brightside if one of them loves you, it’s likely they all do as well.

https://youtu.be/EcBsUFHCHZI