More than Just statistics

Many people will post a status, a blog, or a journal entry telling you they wear purple “because…” and then post a bunch of facts, but I will not. I choose to be open and tell you that I wear purple, because I have struggled with an eating disorder for all of 5 years. Knowing someone personally that is affected by a statistic means more to me than just a number and that is exactly what I am, more than a number. I am a human being, a friend, a daughter, a sister, an employee, a cat mom and to many people I am a good laugh. But for the last few years I ignored the important roles I play in the lives of others to be the victim of one of the deadliest diseases. My eating disorder gave me a way out. A way out of responsibilities, feelings and flashbacks. It gave me a feeling that I was superhuman by being able to live a productive life without nourishment. I believed for years that I was able to see results from working so hard. I was accomplishing something every day I lost an ounce. But with all of this, I also believed I deserved every bit of torture brought on by myself because I didn’t deserve anything more.

It started with a diet, typical for many whom are victims of anorexia or bulimia. I dieted in attempt to erase the memories of numerous sexual traumas that I could not for the sake of me stop reliving. For year’s I stood over a toilet and purged and after I would go for a run. It was a constant battle of questioning whether I had earned the next meal only to remind myself, I ran that far and purged that food because I was going to be skinny and in the larger scheme of things invisible, hopefully. Finally, I began just skipping meals all together and then purging on the days I did eat. I felt like I was always losing, but in a sick twisted way I was also winning. My weight was down and I was accepted into treatment because I was sick. Finally, I was doing so well at doing so bad, but let me re-iterate I was doing so well! Treatment was like a gold fucking medal! My EKG showed that my heart rate was slow and unlike a normal person I was proud of this news. Even though I was slowly dying, I was getting compliments from so many on my weight loss. I had a goal and I didn’t care how it was achieved.

I am writing this story with hopes to reach one person. I don’t have to over achieve, I just have to do my best. I write this because I hope to change the conversation, erase the stigma, and remind people that this is real and it is affecting thousands including me. I figure if you are reading this it’s because you are interested. Good, that too is an accomplishment. I am in recovery, but please don’t mistake that for better or fixed, because I am not. I may not intentionally lose weight, but I’m not at the point in my life where I can eat a sustainable amount of food a human really needs to function. I still freak out at restaurants and family dinners. I don’t believe I deserve nourishment. But finally, although I may not feel I deserve life I do deserve the chance to fight which is a big improvement from last year. I wish for those still struggling I had some advice on how to be able to just eat when you are hungry and without crying. I wish I could help you enjoy food and pick it out according to what you are craving and not by its caloric content. I don’t know how I did it, I just know I did. Treatments, groups, support systems etc.…all that played a small role in my recovery, but I did most of the work. A very good friend of mine once told me “you will keep doing what works for you, until it no longer works for you, and then you will find something else” and she was right. I found my cat, and he is what works for me now. He may not be there for me in the same way as humans are, but in an unspoken way he is singing to me and I am singing to myself my new favorite song by Rachael Platten:

“Hands, put your empty hands in mine

 And scars, show me all the scars you hide

 And hey, if your wings are broken

 Please take mine so yours can open too

 'Cause I'm gonna stand by you

Even if we're breaking down, we can find a way to break through

 Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through hell with you

Love, you're not alone, 'cause I'm gonna stand by you”

Besides Colton, I too have become my new best friend in life. “No one can love you the way you can love yourself” is a true statement. I’m learning to love me. And for those of you needing someone to love you until you can love yourself these lyrics are meant for you as well. I may not know you, but I’ll stand by you because that’s what humans do, not statistics.

©Kim Edwards

April 17, 2016