Redemption through anger; Love from hurt

“It has been one of the greatest and most difficult years of my life. I learned everything is temporary. Moments. Feelings. People. Flowers. I learned love is about giving- everything- and letting it hurt. I learned vulnerability is always the right choice because it is easy to be cold in a world that makes it so very difficult to remain soft. I learned all things come in twos: life and death, pain and joy, sugar and salt, me and you. It is the balance of the Universe.”- Rupi Kaur. This year I came to understand this valuable quote on a much deeper level. I had lived many years not fully comprehending that vulnerability is the only way to live life to its fullest and that experiencing emotions is the exact definition of vulnerability. And this year I would have to learn to experience and be comfortable with anger in order to be able to forgive and experience true freedom. In 2016, one of my best friends came home from treatment. There was a part of her that wanted to stay in recovery, but her eating disorder was so loud that not even the hope I had to offer could overcome the torment in her mind. Sadly, the pain Deena suffered got the best of her and she stole my medications to quiet the voices. I became rightfully angry and decided that the best way to get through this was to put a pause on our friendship. I forgot though to tell her I still loved her and that no matter what I always would. During our time not talking, Deena tried cocaine for what was not her first time, but certainly her last. Not yet alerted, I spent days walking by her house telling myself it was time to forgive, not knowing it was too late.

It was 4pm or what I refer to as “Ellen time”, on the 10^th of May, my alarm had just gone off to wake me up for my favorite show. Ellen’s theme song began “Today’s the day I’ve been waiting for, tomorrow won’t come after all, yesterday is so far away, and today is the only day, somebody please stop the clock.” I sang along while scrolling through my Facebook having no idea how ironically true those lyrics by P!nk were about to be when up popped a message, “When did Deena die?”. My heart stopped. Anxiously searching for proof that this was some sick joke I went on to Deena’s page only to find my nightmare come true. In bold letters, someone had written “I cannot believe you are gone.”  My tonsils became engulfed and painful with each short- lived inhale, I cried myself into a corner. I could barely breathe. I cried out “I’m so sorry Deena” which then turned into “I can’t do this, I have to go to heaven and apologize.”

For the next two weeks, I spent all my energy attempting to run from my emotions and after failing to escape the Universe that I had come to believe was not worth being a part of, I finally got it. The only way out, was through. It was time to no longer hold onto this guilt. My body was trying so hard to move onto the next stage of grief, but I was not allowing it to. I was too afraid. Anger was the last emotion I expressed towards Deena and now she was gone. I didn’t trust anger, but I had to learn to feel it. I knew I needed to be in a treatment facility to safely process. I was already severely underweight and malnourished and I couldn’t trust myself to eat while working with an outpatient therapist. I checked myself into a partial hospitalization for eating disorders a couple weeks later. I jumped right in and I was tested. I was forced to face each emotion however it manifested. “People have a tendency to avoid feelings that are uncomfortable. The truth is, feeling uncomfortable can be good; it can evoke change…”- Unknown. In one group, we were asked to write a letter to someone following a particular outline that was given to us. I did not take it seriously at first, but later realized that this is what one endures in order to heal. They do it by authentically writing the letter and allowing it to hurt. When I got home I let the words flow like my tears had when I first found out she was gone.

Dear Deena,

 I was and still am deeply saddened by the choice you made that resulted in your demise. Knowing that your death was preventable, and that you took that risk is why the pain is so much deeper. You were so bright, so funny and had a heart the size of more than two people’s put together. It’s not a matter of what you could have given the world by sticking around because you gave us a lot, but what you could have given yourself would have been extremely magical. I have many memories most of which are intangible, but great, as I can hold on to them forever. Sadly, I cannot make new ones and that is hard for me to fathom. Due to the incidences leading up to your death, I Deena fear anger because you did not give me time to forgive you. After all the disagreements you and I had, and the many times I drilled “I love you” into your head why couldn’t you have at least had the decency to reach out to me? I was mad Deena, but I was still there and I still loved you! As I look back now, it occurs to me how some things we mean in our heart hold more sustenance when released through our lips.

At some point, I will forgive you, but in the meantime, I ask that you love me through my personal grieving process, and that you do not take it personally. I understand your actions were to block out the voices of your eating disorder and the pain of your depression. The horrendous torture that occurs deep within your own soul when in the throes of the most complicated battles within yourself and your body is tough. Although starving rather than fighting against anorexia is easier, I also know the positive feelings that are acquired when you win and that it is so worth it. I wish you could’ve experienced that. I love you dearly Deena Beena, with lots of berries, milk, ensure and just to give it a little “boost” real sugar! - Kim

I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders having been honest with her, but with myself as well. Each letter and or conversation thereafter in which I needed to communicate uncomfortable emotions became much easier. I then realized I had been experiencing anger my whole life, but had been directing it towards myself and confusing it for sadness. This was a tough lesson. I mourn Deena’s loss every day and may for the rest of my life, but even though she is gone, she is still teaching me.