In honor of Eating Disorder
awareness week, I am going take you on an educational journey beneath the surface
of one of the deadliest mental health illness’s in America. I’m doing this
because most people if not everyone is going to write about their eating
disorders or someone they know whom has been affected by one, and although each
story has benefits of being heard or read, coming to the understanding that
this illness is way more than crying over carbs and having panic attacks over
mayonnaise is what will be what I think the most beneficial. Eating disorders
are just as much a surface problem as any other negative coping skill, but the
ways in which it serves people like me is quite riveting. So, yes, I am going
to tell you some of my own personal story, but also share some tips of things
that you may have never considered could make a person “think thin” or “eat
their feelings
Before I begin let me clue you in
on a few things. There are many types of eating disorders and eating disorders
do not discriminate! They are not just seen in the white culture and men have
them too. Just because someone looks “healthy” doesn’t necessarily mean they
are. Overweight people can be anorexic, did you know that? Mind blown I know!
But it’s true. And long legged, thin woman that according to the BMI chart are
underweight are not always so. Body structures are different, BMI is a very
unreliable method to measure someone’s weight and believe it or not anyone can
have an eating disorder. Yup, even Oprah Winfrey. Eating disorder are to me a
reaction or coping method due to 1 or all of 3 things. The first is an attempt
to escape emotions. I’m sure you all have seen or even been the person once
before who had a bad day and curled up in front of the television eating a pint
of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. Now imagine if ice cream or any food in excess
was your way of handling all stress? You would be considered to be a binge
eater also known as a stress eater. Taking in large quantities of food can
bring on a sense of comfort for many. It’s like filling a void, stuffing those
emotions so all you feel is full. Where on the other end of the spectrum we
have people like myself whom has a natural biochemical reaction to stress that
causes my stomach to churn and become tight. Eating only makes it worse. So,
when stress becomes routine or my depression or anxiety are uneasily managed,
getting in the amount of food necessary for my body to function is quite
difficult. But either way, whichever person you are, the stress, the
depression, and anxiety all need to be dealt with in other ways or better
managed because eating too much or eating too little is never good.
Secondly, there are the people whom
feel they need control. Mind you there are many reasons people might want this,
but in my case, it’s due to the fact that when I was raped therefore I had no
control. As much as I fought there was absolutely nothing I can do and as far
as the case I am trying to purse against my predator, all I can do is sit and
wait for DNA results to come back and hope that justice is served. What is one
to do when their temple, the one thing they thought they owned has been
violated? Well for many they turn to becoming over sexualized, drinking,
drugging, overeating, not eating or any of many PTSD responses. I don’t have
enough fingers and toes to count how many people I’ve come across whose eating
disorders were a means to escape the feelings of shame and guilt from an
assault that wasn’t their fault. The desire to crawl out of my skin is there,
but so very impossible so instead I try my best to become invisible. Each pound
I lose is like a pound of dirt and extreme self-hatred. I struggle even more
than I did before to venture out in public, go to new places, meet new people
and ride public transportation. All I want to do is hide even if it means
shrinking myself down to an unhealthy size. Not all people with eating
disorders have been through a traumatic experience though. That doesn’t mean
though the need for control isn’t fueled by something else. It’s almost a given
that a person suffering from an eating disorder is also a perfectionist.
Sometimes when things in our lives are disorganized and scattered we attempt to
focus our attention and energy on that one thing we can control and for many
that is food. We can control how much goes in, perhaps how much comes out, how
much we burn, how little we can weigh and so much more. It can easily become an
obsession. Focusing on areas of the body we are most uncomfortable with and
doing what we can to change it gives us an undeniable sense of accomplishment
and sense of discipline. This is the eating disorder part, but as I mentioned
before the eating disorder is secondary, it is indeed a reaction to not having
control.
The third thing that I believe is
perhaps one of the most common causes of eating disorders especially in
children and teens is the awful way in which food is portrayed. Some of it
stems from media, but you would be surprised how the things we talk about
together in the company of others especially children have led to their eating
disorders. They watch what we do and listen to what we say, even if it is not
aimed towards them. Simply labeling food as good or bad, healthy or junk, and that
desert is reward can really screw with how children perceive food. All types of
food are perfectly acceptable in moderation. It’s not good or bad, it’s just
food. So just a helpful tip, when you are sitting at the table removing the bun
from your burger, ordering just a salad, leaving out the dressing and skipping
desert because “I don’t need the extra calories”, children are taking that in
and then later following in your footsteps. I know it sounds crazy perhaps and
even a little over dramatic, but we need food to live and our bodies need a
little bit of everything on the pyramid carbs and fats included.
Earlier I mentioned that labeling
food can be very detrimental and now I would like to provide to you and
example. When I was a teenager, my mom struggled to find ways to punish me
because I really didn’t respond the way she wanted. Nothing really bothered me.
I was too depressed to care about TV, I didn’t have any friends and there was
no where I wanted to go except for to bed. I recall though a time when I asked
for some of my brothers swiss rolls as I was craving some desert and she had
stopped buying it for me because I was on punishment. Her response to me was “children
who misbehave don’t get desert or special snacks, if you want desert you need
to figure out how to buy it yourself.” At that moment desert to me had been
labeled a reward, something given only to people whom deserved it. And although
I had better days and tried my best to behave I couldn’t help but think I was a
terrible teen. I did eventually start buying my own desert but I felt such
shame knowing I didn’t deserve it according to her, that I would always eat it
in my room and hide the evidence. At one point I even ran out of my own and
stole some of her candy. I hid the wrappers before she got home and then stood
over the toilet bowl trying to puke it up. That was the first time I purged.
It's also when my eating disorder really started. At school I craved ice cream
and treats since I couldn’t get them at home and began buying that for lunch
each day. Well until my mother found out. She then put a block on my account
because she wasn’t going to pay for me to eat crap. Her and my relationship was
so tumultuous that I would come home every day and head to my room without
dinner. Sitting at the table watching her and my brother interact and completely
ignore me was so uncomfortable. I didn’t deserve their company, their food,
just being in their presence, because I was the misbehaved child. Mind you I did
raise a lot of hell in high-school, but my depression was so bad and when I attempted
to get the attention and love I needed for it, I was made fun of. In reaction
to it I became very angry which is typically a secondary reaction to hurt and
for 4 years was misinterpreted as Oppositional defiance disorder. Anyway
because of my depression I didn’t have any friends. People knew I cut myself so
I also earned the label of crazy. I started ordering a bagel at lunch and
putting it in my back pack for when I got home and went to my room. My eating
disorder in high school was very on and off I suppose, but it came back when I turned
22. I have been in recovery and out of recovery numerous times. But still, even
as an adult I am influenced by the way those around me relate to food. Watching
my mother skip the bun and comment on my choice to have a donut for breakfast
is really difficult. I’m not telling you
this though to make her sound like a bad person, even she doesn’t understand
the affect her words and actions have on me. I see other parents do it too and
it breaks my heart because their misguided thoughts on lipids and carbs and their
unhealthy relationship with food is affecting their children and half of them
don’t even know it. But if you are reading this, now you do. Please take into
consideration how you interact with the food on your plate and if you have the
guts to do so perhaps try eating intuitively. Your body is smart, it knows what
it wants. It craves things for a reason. Listen to it. The more you ignore it,
the more damage you do. Scary but true fact that I will leave you with; People
who ignore their cravings are more likely to later binge on that desired item. If
you really fear that the desert you want is so unhealthy (which it’s not as it
is carbs, lipids which are what your body needs) then perhaps America we
shouldn’t just run on dunking, we should run to it as well.
©Kim Edwards
February 25, 2017
