Dear Deena,
Today was my first time losing a patient. I think it was
somewhat a blessing in disguise because I had never encountered him before but
as I was passing food trays today I realized he was having difficulty breathing
and I asked the nurse. She told me he was actively dying and my response was if
I could sit with him until my shift ended. So I sat there and played my
favorite soothing music by Kenny G, I thought he might recognize him. I stroked
his hand and his head and let me him know it was okay and that he wasn’t alone.
I prayed for him and asked the Lord that you and him would find each other and
that he would tell you hi for me. I hope he heard me. While the woman opened
the window so his spirit could be set free I came home and closed mine
dauntingly thinking his spirit might get lost and fly into my window haha. Silly
superstition, I probably made it up. Anyway I have been thinking a lot about
you lately more so than normal. I think my reasoning for staying was partially
because I didn’t get the chance to do that with you and that perhaps it would
help me find some closure being a part of the entire experience. It’s heart
breaking but also such an honor to be with someone during their last moments. I
didn’t want him to be alone any more than I wanted that for you so in a weird
way it felt much like a do over. The whole process though reminded me of you
and the work you did. I am sure in your field you saw so much of the same type
of things. The process is amazing, watching someone try so hard to hold on, but
reminding them that it’s okay. Sometimes a suffering person needs to just hear
aloud that it’s okay to let God and let God. There was another resident that
has been taking about much of my time and although a great part of me wanted to
be with him to help ease his anxiety and comfort him I just felt it in my heart
that this stranger that was someone’s dad, grandfather, uncle etc…needed me
more. Perhaps that was a sign from you. My best friend has lately been telling
me “Kim don’t ignore the signs, Deena is talking to you and reaching out to you
in different ways, and when you are unsure, just trust your gut and Deena that
is what I did. I trusted my gut that this man needed my company and my love and
that’s exactly what I gave him. Finding closure in his process I think may have
helped me find some closure with your passing, but then again that just might
be my mind overworking. Only time will tell and if I am blessed to have much
more of it I will surely let you know. I love you dearly. Please do your best
to show this man around as he is headed your way.
As his chest rose like the sun
With restraint I then prayed
God will you please take the discomfort away
And as I stroked his hand and rubbed his head
I thought not only of him
But you my dear friend
Hoping that in his last breath and slow close of his lids
You would show him the palace where angels now live
I would not change these actions
And that is for sure, while one door was closing
Heaven’s opened again On September, 29 TOD 7:24
©Kim Edwards
No comments:
Post a Comment