Colton lays right in the dip of
the window ledge starring at the tall spinney green tree as it waves in the
wind. His smooth silk fur dances gently with the senses of the earth. He is so
peaceful; that I don’t even notice the sun skipped our town today. I watch as
he does, wishing I could see the world through his eyes. To him it’s so
magical, but to me, it feels so dull and at times unsafe. Although we are on
the second floor, I never thought twice about him clinging to the window screen
as he attempts to get at the squirrels. But since the day Colton fell 20 feet
from my friend’s window.
I was sitting at my computer when
out of peripheral I noticed my friend’s two white and gray cat’s hanging on tightly
with their sharp claws to the screen in which they had used climbed down from
the third floor. They whined some as they fought for their lives and I without
much thought of what the consequences could be, carefully opened the window,
pulled the screen out from the inside and pulled one of the two cats on to my
bed. The other was gripping on to the houses shingles with the strength I
assume he had acquired from having done stupid stuff like this before. I then grabbed
Francis from the house shingles and pulled him in as I had with Kristy and then
quickly put the screen back and the window down. It was at that moment that I
noticed a silky black tail. My heart rate didn’t just skip a beat, it literally
stopped moving for a minute. It was Colton’s tiny tail swishing back and forth,
his white fur tummy pushed through the screen as he whimpered. He was stuck
between the window and the same screen the other two had been attached too.
Just like I had five minutes ago, I pushed open the window, but unlike Kristy
and Francis, Colton wasn’t as strong. Perhaps it was my motherly instinct that
caused me to thrust the window up with such conviction that knocked him down
and perhaps it was the fact I had stopped breathing and air wasn’t getting to
my brain. I watched my baby fall so rapidly, my tears fell in sync as soon as
he had lost his grip. The screams were more
like shrieks of terror, I lost all control and I ran down the stairs not sure of
which direction or which door would get me to him the fastest. Pushing things
off tables and throwing things out of my way I swung open the back door and
raced around the corner where my baby lay flat as a pancake. His hair matted
with blood, tummy facing up with his intestines on the outside. Not moving,
just moaning and making complete eye contact with me. In attempt to not cause
more damage to his spinal cord or any other organs I picked him up with the
gentility of a feather and rocked him back and forth. He was a mess and I was
drooling and shedding tears of heartbreak and confusion of what my life would
look like if my baby died. “Ooh child, things are going to get easier, ooh
child things will get brighter, ooh child things are going to get easier, ooh
child things will get brighter, I sang to him between the sobs and sucking back
of snot. I watched him watch me and for the first time he listened as mommy
sang out of tune. This couldn’t be the end, I know the stars haven’t aligned for
me for the greater part of my life, but God wouldn’t allow something like this,
because he knew this would be the end of me. I prayed.
Dripping with sweat, my hands
clammy and the feeling I had wet the bed, I woke up crying only to realize it
was a nightmare! The worst nightmare I had ever had. Colton was laying behind
me asleep in his bed. He took a while last night to settle, but when he did my
baby was comfortable and safe just like I have repeatedly made for him for the
last 2 years and 14 days. I closed the window and went back to sleep thanking
God for waking me up. I have been extremely anxious and depressed the last few days,
which has caused me to really look forward to sleep and hate waking up. Last
night though was different, waking up was the best feeling. Seeing my baby
happy and healthy was the cure to my heartache. I still opened the window for
him, but trust me when I tell you, I watched over him like a hawk in the sky. I
have always known I love Colton unconditionally and exceptionally, I have
always thought I was obsessed with him and unhealthy attached, but after last
night I learned I’m none of those things, because what I am, what I really am,
is a mom. And if anything ever happens to him I would no longer be watching him
like a hawk in the sky, I would actually be a part of it. People tell me often
how I need to stay alive because Colton needs me, but I promise you, I will
always need him more. Happy Mother’s Day to me. I celebrate with pride and
graciousness, because I am the luckiest of mother of them all and refuse to
ever take it for granted.
©Kim Edwards
May, 2, 2016
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