The Good Wife

The Good Wife

I wake up to you every day excitedly prepared

To live out my vows

I kiss you and cherish you

For better or worse

Through sickness and in health

I care for you, make you comfortable

Anything to make you as happy as you do me

Because I love you

Until the day you die

And therefore after

 

The Good Wife

You come home to a clean house

Even though I also had a very long day

Dinner is made, your place at the table set

You are late, you are distant, you are not the man

I kissed before you left

A bad day perhaps I brush it off

Because I love you

Until the day you die

And therefore after

 

The Good Wife

I question if you have become so comfortable

Or perhaps you have lost respect

Beyonce’s lemonade has me questioning

Who the fuck is your Becky?

We go to bed and I’m sleeping with a stranger

But unlike you, I don’t find pleasure in it

I feel very insecure

But I made a promise to God and even if you don’t remember

Until death do us part

Because I love you

Until the day you die

And therefore after

 

The Good Wife

The distance between us I now long for

It sure as hell is better than you telling me

All I am doing wrong

Not appreciating the lady, the Queen you also promised to love

I feel anxiety when I am with you

And when I’m not, I’m still anxious

I want so much to make it work

Because I love you

Until the day you die

And therefore after

 

The Good Wife

Just as soon as I begin to forget who I once was

The lady I once respected is now allowing this

This anger, resentment from a man

Whom is supposed to help me up

 

The Good Husband

You apologize and the man I met is back

I think nothing of it, I just thank God

You remember how to respect your lady

This happens for a little while

Because of my distance in reaction to yours

You manipulated me into accepting you back

I realize it wasn’t God that changed your mind

It was pure fear you may lose control, or me

Underlying the fear are your vows to make it work

Because you love me

Until I the day I die

And therefore after

 

The Good Wife

Your kind actions were short lived

My self -respect dissipated but only for a moment

I stopped cooking, I stopped cleaning

I found Becky, she was a metaphor for your hobbies

Along the way you stopped putting me first

I continued to do so because I love you

I wanted to make it “work work work work work” -Rihanna

…

The Good Wife

I left. I took myself and all my things

The memories I washed away

Because before I ever vowed to love you through it all

God made me vow to myself to always put me second after Him

Because he loves me

Until the day I die

And therefore after

 

© Kim Edwards

April 28, 2016

 

 

The night-mare Colton died

Colton lays right in the dip of the window ledge starring at the tall spinney green tree as it waves in the wind. His smooth silk fur dances gently with the senses of the earth. He is so peaceful; that I don’t even notice the sun skipped our town today. I watch as he does, wishing I could see the world through his eyes. To him it’s so magical, but to me, it feels so dull and at times unsafe. Although we are on the second floor, I never thought twice about him clinging to the window screen as he attempts to get at the squirrels. But since the day Colton fell 20 feet from my friend’s window.

I was sitting at my computer when out of peripheral I noticed my friend’s two white and gray cat’s hanging on tightly with their sharp claws to the screen in which they had used climbed down from the third floor. They whined some as they fought for their lives and I without much thought of what the consequences could be, carefully opened the window, pulled the screen out from the inside and pulled one of the two cats on to my bed. The other was gripping on to the houses shingles with the strength I assume he had acquired from having done stupid stuff like this before. I then grabbed Francis from the house shingles and pulled him in as I had with Kristy and then quickly put the screen back and the window down. It was at that moment that I noticed a silky black tail. My heart rate didn’t just skip a beat, it literally stopped moving for a minute. It was Colton’s tiny tail swishing back and forth, his white fur tummy pushed through the screen as he whimpered. He was stuck between the window and the same screen the other two had been attached too. Just like I had five minutes ago, I pushed open the window, but unlike Kristy and Francis, Colton wasn’t as strong. Perhaps it was my motherly instinct that caused me to thrust the window up with such conviction that knocked him down and perhaps it was the fact I had stopped breathing and air wasn’t getting to my brain. I watched my baby fall so rapidly, my tears fell in sync as soon as he had lost his grip.  The screams were more like shrieks of terror, I lost all control and I ran down the stairs not sure of which direction or which door would get me to him the fastest. Pushing things off tables and throwing things out of my way I swung open the back door and raced around the corner where my baby lay flat as a pancake. His hair matted with blood, tummy facing up with his intestines on the outside. Not moving, just moaning and making complete eye contact with me. In attempt to not cause more damage to his spinal cord or any other organs I picked him up with the gentility of a feather and rocked him back and forth. He was a mess and I was drooling and shedding tears of heartbreak and confusion of what my life would look like if my baby died. “Ooh child, things are going to get easier, ooh child things will get brighter, ooh child things are going to get easier, ooh child things will get brighter, I sang to him between the sobs and sucking back of snot. I watched him watch me and for the first time he listened as mommy sang out of tune. This couldn’t be the end, I know the stars haven’t aligned for me for the greater part of my life, but God wouldn’t allow something like this, because he knew this would be the end of me. I prayed.

Dripping with sweat, my hands clammy and the feeling I had wet the bed, I woke up crying only to realize it was a nightmare! The worst nightmare I had ever had. Colton was laying behind me asleep in his bed. He took a while last night to settle, but when he did my baby was comfortable and safe just like I have repeatedly made for him for the last 2 years and 14 days. I closed the window and went back to sleep thanking God for waking me up. I have been extremely anxious and depressed the last few days, which has caused me to really look forward to sleep and hate waking up. Last night though was different, waking up was the best feeling. Seeing my baby happy and healthy was the cure to my heartache. I still opened the window for him, but trust me when I tell you, I watched over him like a hawk in the sky. I have always known I love Colton unconditionally and exceptionally, I have always thought I was obsessed with him and unhealthy attached, but after last night I learned I’m none of those things, because what I am, what I really am, is a mom. And if anything ever happens to him I would no longer be watching him like a hawk in the sky, I would actually be a part of it. People tell me often how I need to stay alive because Colton needs me, but I promise you, I will always need him more. Happy Mother’s Day to me. I celebrate with pride and graciousness, because I am the luckiest of mother of them all and refuse to ever take it for granted.

 

©Kim Edwards

May, 2, 2016